It’s innumerable and permeable in acceptance that timing is a crucial part of relationship success and health.
Two people perfect for each other that meet at the wrong time are doomed from the point of entry. It’s a meta-acceptance wrapped among a myriad of circumstances backed by self-evident truths.
He’s perfect, but in another year or two.
She’s great, but I’m not in the right place now.
He or she is a great person to marry, or maybe take to meet my parents.
We often conflate our own issues into some degraded, demented form of love.
Those issues surrounding us often have very little, if anything, to do with love to begin with.
Much like the stories chalked up in the bible, we’ll shield weird decisions we make by condensing them into analogies and stories that make little sense.
These connections are important to us — being human and being alive can often be emotionally painful undertakings.
But they’re also admittedly wrong. Life isn’t an analogy for something. At the end of the day, things happen because we make choices for their happenings.
The divorce rate in the United States is not 40 to 50% because of incorrect timing.
It’s pegged at that rate because we don’t choose well. When we shift the responsibility of poor choice and chalk that up to elements such as timing, we’re losing sense of a reality we desperately need to return to.
We live with the decisions we make. In fact, much of that decision-making and the evolution of those choices along a timescape make us who we are. This isn’t to be confused with allowing those decisions to consume us. One is healthy while the other is poisonous.
We are what we choose. Those choices are signals and sayings and voices for how we feel and think.
When we let go of someone in the past for someone else we thought was right, we are wholeheartedly signaling what we want and what we don’t want. When we later learn that we had it backwards, we need to own that mistake.
That’s not poor timing, that’s evolution. One acts as a cover for what we need to become and the other allows us to progress and grow.
On being afraid.
It’s not unusual to feel scared when approaching something as strong as love. The beginnings of any relationship or new spark is a feeling that equates to nothing else we will feel in life.
We’re scared to be wrong.
We generally don’t want to hurt people. When we do, we don’t know how to recover what we damaged.
The excuse of timing can invert progress in a relationship that’s been kicked away in the past. Using timing to mitigate your fear or somehow quell the gravity of your decision undercuts pain a partner may be feeling.
It’s always important to talk — to that extent, it’s always important to speak in terms of reality. If it’s fear, then fear is what needs to be communicated.
On not knowing enough.
I’ve had an ex-girlfriend reach out to me on social media to tell me that she’s grown and developed. While her message began as something incredibly apologetic, it quickly went sour when I didn’t respond.
She told me this because I had written a piece about her that documented some of the awful things I felt during our 4-year relationship.
It wasn’t an attack on her as a person. In fact, I was convinced that I was in love with this person. To this day, I still love and hope the best for this person. She’s a big part of my life and I have grown to understand a lot from her.
Among the many things she wrote, much of it negative, she did point to one thing correctly: We were both kids and we were both insanely inexperienced.
She’s absolutely right. We were both kids. However, if it came to being the adult or figuring out things that mattered on a day-to-day basis, those responsibilities generally landed on me. Inexperience is never an excuse to not try. Throughout her rant, her reasoning constantly swayed in the path of that tangent.
Much like her response to me, it falls short of an actual understanding of what went wrong. Because the relationship fell short of the basic tenets of what a relationship is: Mutual appreciation, mutual responsibility, etc.
Not knowing enough is one thing. Growing to not know anything almost a decade later is an insult to growth altogether.
Timing wasn’t our issue. A lack of understanding and good character caused most of the pain in those years.
Whether it is receiving or giving bad news, we are terrible at dealing with it. One of my best friends is in the middle of getting divorced. For the longest time, that relationship was the one I believed to be the most solid.
And I was wrong.
But if I talk to either of them about how they feel, it’s terrible.
One feels awful because of the guilt and the other feels miserable because of the way things have turned out.
And, we don’t communicate our guilt. We use it as a tangent for deflection. At all points, we would rather orthogonalize it and project it away. Owning your pain and your guilt empowers you.
Better yet, it strengthens your ability to work on weak points within yourself. We are all guilty of something. None of us are perfect. However, the holier than thou dressing impedes you from taking a closer look at yourself. Timing is the pinnacle of that dressing.
Timing doesn’t grow your understanding. Introspection begins with retrospection. That’s why hindsight is 20/20.
The most obvious case is also a cliché: You know it when you know it.
But that’s also obviously muddied among a myriad of self-assessments, one of those being timing.
It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to have guilt or to make mistakes or to fuck up in ways that you think are too gargantuan to be forgiven. True love isn’t looking for excuses to send you away. It never will — simply because it’s defined to be stronger than those things.
We’ll often use one of the above reasons as a bounce-board to give us more time to figure things out. Whether that was a small thing that happened or a larger thing that needed more attention.
Sometimes, the excuses above didn’t require timing but a clear break altogether.
Excuses muddy love — primarily because love on its own is the most powerful thing you will ever experience. People will tell you that sometimes, love is not enough. They are wrong, whatever they believe they have felt cannot be love. By its very definition, love has always been enough.
And, it didn’t require more time, or, even the perfect time.
When you find it, any of the above issues are understood in the bond. The bond only breaks when the issues are stronger than what you’re sharing with the other person.
Deflecting blame of things that didn’t work out and folding them away into the gusts of time endangers your emotional maturity in the long-run. It’s never about the timing — it’s always us.