The greatest, most beautiful experiences you didn’t know you were capable of producing
Somewhere between youthful desperation for love and loneliness, I had one last promise with my old girlfriend. We were together for about 4 years into my early 20s. We told each other that we’d do DMT one day, together.
What I didn’t know is that this experience would be after we broke up.
In my bedroom, a few miles away from the Berkeley campus, there was a king-size memory foam mattress, a two-liter soda bottle with the bottom part cut off, some foil replacing that bottom part, and DMT powder inside the bottle on the foil.
The instructions were simple: Light a flame under the foil and allow the chemical to vaporize inside the bottle with the top screwed on. When it was saturated and the powder was gone, unscrew the top and inhale. Hold what you can for as long as you can, then exhale.
The effect was nearly instant but dulled and dim. After a second inhalation, I sat with my head down, as if I was going to sleep.
I remember some music playing and a music video being displayed on my projector. I remember blue lines carving around the images my eyes were displaying. The room was tinted for some reason. Stuff was beginning to get fuzzier — until I began to go limp.
What felt like one hour of this was only about 15 seconds.
Then, I went to sleep. I don’t remember this transition. I knew I was there, in the room, but I stopped having that awareness. I woke up in the same room, and I walked out of my room, and out of my home. My ex-girlfriend and my sister were still there, according to this dream state.
I crossed over.
I went to the other side. I believe there was about 45mg of DMT that I took. According to the only other person in the room, I simply fell to my side and dozed away.
In my dream state, I was off and away. For a little bit, it felt normal. Then, my world turned upside-down — literally. Except, I was still walking forward and oriented correctly. When the world turned right-side-up, a tall entity appeared in front of me. I could never see this person’s face. It was above any periphery I had, and I’m still not sure if I was not worthy or not allowed to see its face.
This person had a magical ball that you could see into. The entity would show me different worlds through it. As soon as I would look into the ball, I would be transported into the world with the entity. This entire time, the entity never spoke to me. Only gestures and pointing and following. I didn’t have any other cues.
There were worlds without gravity, worlds with buildings and construction unimaginable, and worlds where people didn’t have the anatomical configuration of people on Earth.
In space, and a lucid recurring dream, explained.
When I pulled out from this last world, I noticed we hovered over nothingness. Blank, darkness, the stars were shimmering all around us.
I was at peace.
I lost track of the time. It could have been 80 years, and I wouldn’t have known it. No clocks, no way to keep track. Nothing.
A projection began, and a reel started to spin. I could hear it, but I couldn’t pin where it was coming from.
It was a birds-eye view of home. It was very similar to The Sims. I instantly recognized this to be a recurring dream I would have in my younger years. Between the ages of seven until seventeen, I would have this dream about 2 to 5 times a week.
It was playing right here — but it was as if I was seeing it for the first time. I hadn’t seen it for years. I hadn’t dreamed for years.
In this dream, an older man would wake up, get ready in the morning, and go to work. This would repeat on fast-forward for some time, until the loop would slow down. The dream would happen in phases. This was the first phase.
The second phase introduced a woman into the picture. They would fall asleep each night, wake up, both go to work, come back home. Their new routine would take place.
The third phase introduced a baby. This was a family. They developed a new routine, the three of them. They were happy. Things in the house began to move around. Renovations, a plan, and a life formed.
The fourth phase was abrupt darkness. In the phases that came before this one, the man existed. In these clips, he didn’t. The mom and the child wore black, it was dark and gloom.
That’s when the entity pointed at me. The man in the phases was me. The man had disappeared was dead.
For a moment, I wasn’t sure if I was actually dead. Then, I was lifted away by fairies, and they took me back to a chamber to be transported.
And I woke back up. There were no effects on my body when I woke. I felt nearly 100% except for the inability to comprehend what had just happened. The dream state, I was certain, lasted a lifetime. I was in there for over 80 years.
My ex-girlfriend assured me that it wasn’t longer than 10 minutes.
For a moment, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry out of happiness or think over what the dream meant in more detail. I felt different, I felt renewed. In that moment, a few things in my life were clear:
- Breaking up with my girlfriend was the right thing to do.
- My life was going to be okay.
- Life is difficult, but it’s in that difficulty that we find its beauty.
To this day, I’m still in awe of those experiences. I never want to do DMT again, but I’m aware of how potent it is. I’m not sure how it is that the mind can take you to those places, but it can. It still doesn’t seem real, and my explanations for the trip falls severely short of the actual experience itself.
I understand why Rick Strassman dubs it the spirit molecule. After that experience, I grew closer with my own inner spirituality. If there is a God, I believe I felt it for the first time.