If You Aren’t Treated the way you Want to be, Then Stop Calling it Love

If this doesn’t exist, love is irrelevant

Source: Artem on Unsplash.

It has taken me the extent of my adult life to understand that I don’t understand.

In fact, what I’ve learned is that most people don’t see love the same way, or even in the same light. It’s something to be attained, or desired, or wanted, all while people are in a committed relationship where it needs to already exist.

I’m not 30 yet, and about half of my married friends have now been divorced once or in endless salvage. I don’t think my friends signed on to pay for the cost of a wedding only for it to go to waste in a few short years. I don’t think either party is considering that anguish or misery.

Somewhere, in the beginning of any relationship, it’s understood. It won’t take more than a few dates to feel your partner out, emotionally.

You’ll know about how much you’ll receive. You’ll get a sense of the baggage. Their treatment of you — with you present and absent — will be clear in time.

Yet, we stay on.

These are things that I’m not immune to. In fact, I’ve witnessed myself submitting to things I shouldn’t have.

The absence of appreciation.

Wanting to be recognized or appreciated or acknowledged is as important to me as breathing. There was one relationship, in particular, that I never got that from. The most awkward thing about this point is that having a dialogue about your importance with someone else is, by nature, weird.

This is something you shouldn’t have to tell a partner to reciprocate. I feel like it comes standard with a relationship that’s healthy.

There is a trap somewhere in pseudo-appreciation where one partner begins to pull more emotional weight for the relationship. In that case, the basis of the relationship begins to rest on the future potential. But there is no future potential. This is the sunken cost fallacy based in mischaracterization. We believe that people will fundamentally change, and that you’ll receive the treatment you’ve come to expect.

If it isn’t there today, it likely won’t be there tomorrow. Or for the years to come.

She or he is just crazy.

Something tells me that if a behavior your partner is displaying is something being chalked up to a short sentence or a blanket phrase, something is awfully wrong.

It suggests to me that there is a hollow-point in that character or in that dynamic that isn’t solved yet. Love is a full understanding of one another. Anything short of that level of trust violates the concept and the vulnerability shared between two people.

I’ve been told I’m crazy when I was clearly thinking correctly. I’ve had relationships where a behavior someone else was displaying was clearly wrong or awful, and I stayed to listen to a perverted analogy justifying exactly those actions.

It’s a strange call to action to mention your gut — in this case, I won’t. If your mind is connecting dots clearly, and you’re being told otherwise, then simply trust yourself. I won’t say this is gaslighting, because you’re a willing participant of a relationship that isn’t mature or real. However, the healthy route is to leave because the treatment and perspectives shared between you and a partner are not equal.

Sorry not sorry.

Nope, not the Demi Levato song I love.

A word or an extra inch means the world when you’re in the wrong trying to inch toward the right.

In the past, people who have done wrong popped back up in my life with an apology.

“Yeah, sorry about that.”

While I get that reaching out is a difficult task, there are acceptable means of going about apologizing. Basing on nothing short of human instinct, seeing an “I’m sorry” makes all the difference. The difference between “Sorry” and “I’m sorry” is literally nothing, but metaphorically everything.

Following it up with no excuses or justifications makes a world of sense, too.

Half-assed apologies, especially over text, out of the blue, hoping to rekindle something that you fundamentally broke doesn’t work. While text messaging can be a wonderful start, it begins and ends there. Apologies are something carried out in action, not by word.

If you’re comfortable with accepting less from someone who has wronged you before, you’re also disrespecting your own value. It’s a signal for an old partner to know they can commit less and still get everything.

It’s emotional robbery.

It’s not my responsibility.

The other half of your relationship is most definitely your responsibility. Nobody’s happiness is up to you to provide, of course. But, as a willing participant in a relationship, you actively play a role in that other person’s support circle, family, and general well-being.

There are different versions of this I hear stemming from strange justifications of individual emotional well-being to taking time for yourself. Usually, those are messages being tossed around by the very people who are part of the problem. Just because it’s in the format of a meme or something you can fit on the screen of your phone while scrolling, doesn’t make it true.

The basis of society is inter-connectedness. Attachment is, at its core, a beautiful thing if it remains pure and absent of manipulation. When your roots are poisoned, the entire core’s tensile strength renders to jello. Detachment is the equivalence of telling someone they’re not your responsibility. The problem with detachment is that, by its very definition, you’re not committed to anything. In reality, in real-time, this is an impossibility.

You need people to function in almost every single way in the world. Whether that is through a phone or through physical interaction, it isn’t possible.

When you’re telling those who commit to a relationship with you that they aren’t your responsibility, you’re subverting that bijective dialogue you’d both agreed to in the beginning.

Written by

UC Berkeley, mathematics. Los Angeles. Long-time runner. Top writer on Quora, 100M+ total content views. New to Medium. Inquiries: Moumj@berkeley.edu

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