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For a limited time only, get 99% off the secrets to earning billions of dollars with one easy, simple, overlooked trick. Clock’s ticking. It’ll always be ticking, but it’s ticking more importantly right now, or something.

My New Instagram Handle is WarrenBuffetInvestor — Wait Until I Sell you on the Newest Investment Advice I have no Business Giving

And it’ll only cost you $9.99 a month to see and hear my stupid thoughts

I’m back, baby.

No, I’m not talking about my last Instagram handle with the picture of Eminem as my profile photo. That Instagram account was banned because I wasn’t allowed to sell alcohol in Turkey. It was a rookie move, mostly because I didn’t know I could get in trouble for repackaging Ketel One Vodka with my own logo.

Anyway, that’s all sorted out. The stock market is where I will thrive.

Once I take a look at these graphs, I’ll be able to talk to you about the signals and quotes that some investors said out of context.

Two negatives equal a positive.

Okay, so you followed the last move I sent you and the stock fell, right? No big deal, don’t sweat. Your money is safe. You lost $5,000, but, remember, the stock’s chances of going either up or down is 50%. And that’s just statistics I made up in my head last week.

The more you lose, the better the odds of your next move.

Gambler’s fallacy.

No way, man. We don’t listen to Gambler’s fallacy. We aren’t gamblers here. Remember what Warren Buffet said about being fearful and greedy? Always buy chicken from the grocery market when there is blood on the streets? This is exactly when you need to buy more of what I am saying. Re-subscribe, and I’ll tell you precisely why. Every time you take a loss, you simply need more money. If you lost the last three times, this fourth time you have close to 100% odds of making a profit. So if you’re down $20,000, you just need to borrow another $20,000 to make up for the money you lost.

If that’s not mathematics you can follow, you might have been toast from the get-go, buddy.

The risk.

Obviously, you didn’t read the fine-print. It’s printed right there, at the bottom of the Instagram caption: “I am not an investment professional, please never listen to me about anything involving the stock market. In 2012 I served 2 years in federal prison for stock fraud, and I was told by a judge with a very serious face that I’m a plague to society.” Yes, I placed that at the end of my 2,000 word dialogue that’s mostly filled with quotes by Steve Jobs I don’t exactly understand. The idea is simple, the company is registered under my brother, and I’m not exactly a partner but an employee. This way, I’m not actually a stock advisor. But don’t worry, my past shouldn’t reflect how we are going to do in the future.

Just look at all the people who are successful.

You go this way, I’ll go that way.

What do you mean you’ve been speaking to my other clients? I gave you specific people to call.

I never told you to go through my followers, friend.

Okay, yes, maybe I told these guys to buy this stock and I told others to short it at the same time. That’s not fraud, friend, that’s just insuring that some people end up making money. It’s not random at all, some people made money and some didn’t. Did I know who was going to make a lot of cash? No! And that’s the fun of it all. Nobody knows who is going to come out on top.

When someone does make a lot of money, guess who is responsible? Me!

And if they don’t make money, well, refer to the risk section of this diatribe. You knew (or maybe didn’t) the risks when you signed up for this wild ride. It’s like picking a name out of a hat, except, I never know what I’m picking and I never understand why the process is the way it is. All that matters is some people make tons of money. That makes me a genius.

It’s called volatility, bro, you heard of it?

You didn’t see my latest Instagram story? That’s why you lost money. I literally told everyone for free the information you needed to succeed. You stayed on for a few days too long and you lost all your cash. If you just sold that stock a day earlier, you would have been solid.

You messed up, man. I don’t know what else to say.

Wait a minute, you misinterpreted the Instagram story? Well, yeah, obviously the stock went up, you were supposed to buy more. That’s what I meant by that gravity joke. It means down is the new up. That’s why the arrow was pointing down and Steve Jobs looked disappointed. He was disappointed in the losers of the market because the new set of bullish retail traders were about to gobble up more shares and ride this pony sky-high.

You’re really bad at learning from my educational tools, man, I’m sorry.

Some things I live by:

  • Rule 1: Never lose money.
  • Rule 2: Never forget rule 1.
  • Rule 3: Sometimes I forget rule 2. Wait, how long was this list going to be, again?

98% of statistics are made up on the spot, including, maybe, the one I just stated.

Written by

UC Berkeley, mathematics. Los Angeles. Long-time runner. Top writer on Quora, 100M+ total content views. New to Medium. Inquiries:

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