Why do you Need to Hang out With Your Friends, Anyway?

Overrated friends in five reasons (or less)

Every 60 minutes, one hour is gone.

If that doesn’t make sense, then you’ll have a rougher time figuring out my newest installment to my 85 part series, Linear Algebra Done Wrong (hyperlink to be determined). This is, of course, my contrast to the famous Linear Algebra Done Right, an upper-division Linear Algebra textbook that almost every mathematics student needs to learn.

Mathematics is a weird game. Mastery over the math is mastery over your life. 2 + 2 = 5, but only for large values of 2.

Your friends can’t possibly teach you what you could learn in this article. If you start believing your friends, then you’ll stop believing in this article. And that’s not possible, because the words in this article are always right.

Am I getting to you yet?

Hey, is it just me, or is your wallet getting thinner?

It was just birthday gifts at first. The golden days, you might not be thinking to yourself.

Then your friends are getting married, now it’s two birthday gifts? I’m getting to know your family, and I’m invited to your family gatherings. Great, looks like I’m buying cousin Cherry a new bottle of whiskey — Hey Cherry, word of advice: The alcoholism is getting old.

More is not merrier, though the media parasites would have you believe it in a heartbeat. They’re all after your money, and you’re one short stop away from living out of your neighborhood dump. I Guess that party is over.

Your friends are harming you so badly it may not even hurt (even in reality).

Just one beer was three beers ago.

It’s never just one. You know how they are. First, they take a minute, then it’s thirty. Next thing you know, you’re in bed with them (results may vary).

One-two-buckle my shoe. Figure out the poo, your knuckles and glue. I’m not sure what I just said, but I’m pretty sure it rhymes. You might be thinking three beers is probably a good time — Yeah, it probably is. But you know what’s a better time? Having more time.

There is no better way to waste your time than a friend who’s taking it up telling you to drink another beer. That makes them a liar, and a thief. First you’re out your time, then you’re out another beer. This is the person you’re trusting to run your life. Great job, dude.

What’s the use in that? I guess you can chalk it up on your gravestone with the time you’re never getting back. Thanks, Frank.

Where’s that blue checkmark?

If you think I’m talking about Dan Bilzerian, it’s because I’m obviously talking about Dan Bilzerian.

That guy fucks.

Well, outside of spending 50 million in company dollars to fuck, of course. He gets the booty, and you aren’t. You know why?

Because your friends don’t have one of these.

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Instagram’s blue checkmark.

If your friends had one, then you could probably be a lot like Dan Bilzerian, too. Sure, you wouldn’t have respect, love, a life worth living, or any meaning whatsoever. But who cares, you’d fuck.

Ask yourself if your friends are holding you back from finding the ones with the verification stamp next to their name. If the answer is no, then you probably need to think harder (If you need help with that, staring at the wall helps). That way, maybe you wouldn’t be wasting so much time trying to live a meaningful life in a meaningless existence.

It’s not so hard if you stop thinking about everything.

Don’t be sad it’s over, be happy I’m leaving (and happy).

It’s not over until I say it is. And it’s generally over because I never wanted it to begin.

Yes, Karen, I got your invite to the pool party next weekend. I’m coming, I promise. The best thing to do when you’re invited to a party you accepted an invitation to is to abruptly leave by insulting the host.

This does a few things:

  • Ensures that you won’t be invited again.
  • Your communication with that person should converge to non-existent.
  • Most of the people at the party will realize you’re terrible and steer clear.
  • You’ll gain all that time back from making friends and connections.

So definitely find points of attack. Try the food they cooked. If it’s a meat they spent a few days preparing before they roasted it, make sure to dig at that. Make sure it was a special recipe, too. The more special, the bigger the sting. It’s their time and effort, not yours. You might as well use what’s left of your time that they stole to lash out immediately. There is nothing more selfish than someone taking up their time to cook a dinner you’re not going to appreciate. After all, if you wanted them to spend that time, they would have asked you first. And nobody would have asked you anyway, because you’re an absolute jerk (This is also known as the transitive property of bullshit — or the reflexive property of I’m an asshole).

When someone attacks your time by inviting you somewhere special, let them know that they had no right to take that away from you. After all, you’re never getting it back and the world had yielded you a million other options. Namely, looking at your phone scrolling through memes or reading this article based on absolutely nothing valuable.

UC Berkeley, mathematics. Los Angeles. Long-time runner. Top writer on Quora, 100M+ total content views. New to Medium. Inquiries: Moumj@berkeley.edu

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